ARRANGED MARRIAGE AND THE BIBLE

Theology
Written By Baily McDaniel

IS THERE ANYTHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH ARRANGED MARRIAGE?

wedding bride and groom chairs

Key Facts

  • Arranged Marriage was incredibly common around the globe until about the 18th century. [1]

  • Today they are still common throughout Asia, most notably in India, China, Pakistan, and Iran. [2]

  • Today, arranged marriage in westernized countries is so unorthodox it has sparked the attention of several reality tv shows including Married by Mom and Dad and Married at First Sight.

  • Arranged marriage is not always done without consulting those getting married. Many arranged marriages give the potential bride or groom the power of ‘veto’ and allow their involvement in the decision. There are many differing traditions around arranged marriage that differ from culture to culture. Child marriage and forced marriage are subcategories of arranged marriage but have been widely condemned today.

Key Scriptures

  • 1 Corinthians 7:39 “A wife is bound as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.”

  • Proverbs 19:20-21 “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future. Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.”

  • 1 Kings 3:1 “Solomon made an alliance with Pharaoh king of Egypt and married his daughter. He brought her to the City of David until he finished building his palace and the temple of the Lord, and the wall around Jerusalem.”

  • Genesis 2:23-24 “The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.’”

traditional Indian bride

Application

Divorce rates in western countries are incredibly high even when compared to other countries and cultures. [3] With the influx of migration as well as our growing ability to connect with those in other cultures, some may wonder if the Western form of dating is the best approach to courtship and enduring marriages. This kind of dating is not the only way to begin to establish a marital relationship, as marital traditions can vary depending on culture. Another way marriages are established is through arranged marriages. 

Arranged marriages are common in other cultures around the world such as India, China, Israel, and Iran. In some arrangements, the parents choose a partner for their child and the children do not meet until the wedding. In other arrangements, the children may go on supervised outings and then either agree to the marriage or ‘veto’ the match and request their parents to continue the search. Forced marriages and child marriages are under the broader umbrella of arranged marriage but differ because the other person is either unable or unwilling to give consent to a sexual relationship. These forms of arranged marriage involve the sexual union of at least one individual who cannot or will not consent. Therefore, forced and child marriages will not be the topic of this article as they have been widely condemned around the globe and all forms of rape (including marital rape) are clearly prohibited in the Bible (Deut. 22:25-27; 2 Sam. 13:14; Psalm 82:3, Ephesians 5:25-30). 

What Does the Bible Say? 

There is no Scripture which speaks for or against arranged marriages. Instead of teaching a style of courting, the Bible appears to teach about how to choose a good spouse and how to court appropriately within the context you already live. 

The Bible advocates for allowing those with experience and biblical wisdom to guide you in your life choices, including marriage. Women are taught to allow older women to teach them about marriage (Titus 2:4-5). Men are also taught how to choose a good spouse by those with experience and wisdom (Prov. 31). Proverbs 15:22 reminds us that “without counsel plans fail, but with many advisors they succeed.” The experience of those who have been married can help guide Christians as they make such an important decision. The question of how much guidance is utilized may depend on one’s situation or culture, but it is important to have more experienced people sharing wisdom in major decisions.  

The Bible teaches us that marriage affects many generations to come and your choice of spouse is not limited to a ‘it’s my life’ mentality. A marriage affects those currently in our lives as well as the offspring to come. The Old Testament narrative demonstrates this over and over again. Some positive examples are Ruth and Boaz or Isaac and Rebekah. However, there are other examples that show how bringing a sinful person into one’s life affects the whole community and offspring to come including Lot and his wife, and even Samson and his wicked girlfriend, Delilah. Our decisions affect those around us, and marriage is no exception. It is important to avoid selfishness by considering others, such as future children, in this decision (Phil. 2:3). 

Arranged or Not, Godly Qualities are Crucial 

Whether Christians are seeking marriage through an arrangement or in the more familiar form of dating, it is important that the spouse first and foremost has godly qualities. Isaac’s marriage to Rebekah was a traditional form of arrangement, but she was chosen for her godly qualities (Genesis 24). Proverbs 31 also points to the importance of valuing character and teaches men what qualities to look for in a wife. Additionally, 2 Corinthians 6:14 reminds Christians not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. It functions as a reminder that Christians should find godly spouses by reiterating the differences in direction and purpose an unbelieving person has with a believing person. 

What We Can Learn From Arranged Marriages 

For Christians, arranged marriages can teach us a lot about the covenantal aspect of marriage. Marriage is not simply about companionship or chemistry. Commitment plays a crucial role in couples who stay together. Commitment is the foundation of an arranged marriage---even before emotions, romance, or common interests. This covenant made between God, groom, and bride reminds us that marriage is about so much more than those things that western culture often reduces it to (Mal 2:14-15). This is because the marriage covenant is a symbol of the greater covenant between Christ and the church (Eph. 5:32). Arranged marriage can help to remind Christians of this fact. 

Arranged marriages show us that the primary basis for marriage should not be how a person makes you feel. Emotions are a blessing and part of what makes us human. However, they should not be a primary factor in our decision making, especially a decision as significant as marriage. The Bible says that the heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). This means that it can lead us astray when we rely on how we feel rather than what we know. Marriage may seem like an appropriate time to rely on feelings and romantic emotions but are often inconsistent and can distract us from potential marital concerns. 

Arranged marriages can also teach those from a western culture that a lot of what comes from marriage is a result of what you put into it. If one wants a loving marriage then they must bring love into it, not expect love from it. [4] Western marriage is often understood as entertainment, emotional support, and romance. However, instead of marrying because your boyfriend or girlfriend meets these qualities, it can be beneficial to grow each of these qualities together as a couple. This is often the case in arranged marriages as entertainment, emotional support, and romance all come after the marriage commitment and must be pursued as a couple. The expectation often moves from ‘what can this person offer me’ to ‘what can I offer to help this relationship flourish’. 

hand+holding+wedding+rings

Conclusion

There are many possible ways to court within the biblical standard. Appropriate forms of arranged marriage are not inherently wrong. Christians should avoid ethnocentric thinking (judging other cultures based on the values of one’s own) as they approach the topic of courting. Arranged marriages as well as dating and other forms of courting all contain important values that can help us think through a biblical understanding of romantic relationships. 

Baily McDaniel
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