SHOULD CHRISTIANS USE PREFERRED PRONOUNS?
Key Facts
The best current estimate is that 0.6% of US adults (approximately 560 per 100,000) identify as transgender. [1]
Preferred gender pronouns or personal gender pronouns refer to the set of pronouns that an individual prefers that others use in order to reflect that person's gender identity. [2] These do not have to align with a person’s birth gender. For example, if a person is born a female this person’s preferred pronouns can range from aligning with birth gender (she/her), reflecting non-binary gender (they/them), or reflecting the male gender (he/him).
The White House website's contact form now requires users to state their pronouns. [3]
The Rules of the 117th Congress include changes to the text of Standing Rules which strike gender-specific language and replace it with gender-neutral language. [4]
Key Scriptures
1 Corinthians 5:11-13 “But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister[c] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. ‘Expel the wicked person from among you.’”
Proverbs 26:4-5 “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes.”
Philemon 1:8-9a “Therefore, although in Christ I could be bold and order you to do what you ought to do, yet I prefer to appeal to you on the basis of love.”
Romans 12:10 “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.”
Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”
Application
LGBTQ+ issues are often at the forefront of Christian engagement with culture. Using preferred pronouns for transgender people is no exception and has become the subject of controversy. Some Christians refuse to call a person by a pronoun that does not align with their birth-assigned gender while others insist that using preferred pronouns is the loving thing to do. What does the Bible say about this? Should Christians ever use a preferred pronoun that does not align with the person’s birth gender?
Responsibility Towards Christians
Whether or not we use preferred pronouns could vary from situation to situation. For example, does it make a difference whether a person is a believer in Christ or not? As Christians, we recognize our duty to hold our brothers and sisters in Christ accountable in love. Galatians 6:1 reminds us of this stating, “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.” We know that Christians living in any kind of sin, including identifying with a gender that is not one’s own, should be confronted and restored in gentleness. Thus, it seems unlikely that Christians should ever use preferred pronouns when addressing another believer.
But what do we do when the person who is asking us to use their preferred pronoun is not a Christian? Many Christians will say that such a situation is appropriate to use preferred pronouns whereas others will contend that it is never okay. For this article I will give the case for and against using preferred pronouns with an unbeliever.
The Case For Using Preferred Pronouns With Unbelievers
Some Christians will come to the conclusion that preferred pronouns are okay, and even wise, to use in certain situations. Before we assume that these Christians are compromising their Christian values, it is important that we examine the reasons that someone may decide to do this.
First, Scripture seems to indicate that Christians should not necessarily hold nonbelievers to the same standards as believers (1 Cor. 5:11-13). This passage is clear that we should not keep company with those who claim to be brothers and sisters in Christ but unrepentantly walk in immorality, unwilling to hear biblical correction. However, those who are lost will continue to walk like they are lost and may not understand truths which are spiritually discerned (1 Corinthians 2:14). God is the one who will judge their actions, not us (1 Cor. 5:12-13). Our first concern should be with the state of their hearts before God rather than their outward problems which are a manifestation of their broken relationship with God (Romans 1:18-32). Just as we use discernment when we engage with any other non-Christian, we should be discerning in how we talk to transgender people who do not identify as Christian. When evangelizing, it is usually not wise to begin by focusing on trying to get them to correct each of their specific sins, but rather we can start by explaining that all humanity is sinful and in need of a savior (Rom. 3:23). This does not mean that the topic of their gender pronouns never gets addressed but that we 1) take the time to listen and understand the person and 2) use wisdom to address the issue once trust is established and deeper levels of communication can take place.
Christians will sometimes use the person’s preferred gender pronoun for evangelistic purposes. When seeking to share the gospel with people, it can be good to avoid unnecessarily offending or alienating the other person. Some Christians might choose to use someone’s preferred pronouns in order to avoid building walls which would prevent them from deeper relationship with the individual or inhibit their ability to share the gospel. If that person comes into a saving relationship with God, they will begin the process of sanctification, the process by which Christians are freed from sin (2 Cor. 7:10; 1 Thes. 4:3). Although repentance is a necessary condition of salvation (Matt. 4:17; Mark 1:15; Luke 5:32; Act 3:19), no person is fully aware of all their sin immediately upon conversion. Issues such as pronoun usage may take time for the Holy Spirit to work in their hearts and convict them of particular sins.
Some might believe using a pronoun which doesn’t reflect the person’s birth gender is an example of affirming a falsehood. And while those who use preferred pronouns agree that these pronouns are not indicative of their true gender, they don't see respecting what others ask to be called as a statement of their beliefs or as a truth claim. Rather, some view it as if a person named “Wendy” asked to be called “Carrie”. By calling her Carrie, we are not asserting that Carrie is the name on her birth certificate, we are just choosing to respect what someone has asked us to refer to them as.
The Case Against Using Preferred Pronouns With Unbelievers
Many Christians think that it is not permissible to use a pronoun for a person that does not identify with their assigned birth gender. People who hold to this belief say that using preferred pronouns is a failure to speak truth with others in love (Eph. 4:15, 25). It is not truly loving to avoid having an upfront conversation about the reality of sin and the condemnation that we are under apart from Christ. Some have compared this to not waking your neighbor in the middle of the night when his house is on fire because you want to be considerate. While it is not usually nice to wake your neighbors during the night, the more pressing issue is the danger to their physical wellbeing. So it is with preferred pronouns. Although we do not want to be intentionally rude to anyone by refusing to use the pronouns that they ask us to use, it is better to share the truth with them about the long term consequences of their sin rather than to avoid the topic and have this person face condemnation.
While those who don’t use preferred pronouns recognize that building relationships opens natural doors for evangelism, they also may feel a greater sense of urgency to share the entire truth of the gospel. The person that they are speaking with may choose not to be friends with them for not using their preferred pronouns. Yet, it would be even worse if the person were to pass away before the whole truth has been shared. 2 Corinthians 6:2 tells us that “now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation.” This is why people who approach the issue in this way think it best to share the whole truth—the truth of their sinfulness, their need for a savior, and the good news of Jesus who came to save—more immediately.
What Does the Bible Say?
In the New Testament, the question of how Christians should interact with non-Christians is brought up time and time again. On the one hand, Paul instructs us to be all things to all people in order to win them to Christ (1 Cor. 9:22-23). We should be accommodating, willing to bear the burden of comfortability in order to build bridges with the lost. On the other hand, we are not to disobey our conscience or clear commands of the Bible (Rom. 14:1-12, 1 Cor. 9:21). The Bible reminds us that each person will stand before God and give an account for their decisions (Rom. 14:10-12).
If we decide to use preferred pronouns simply because we are too afraid to hold to a biblical view of gender or fear conflict with this person, that is a wrong motivation as we are called to be bold in our proclamation of the gospel (Acts 28:31). And likewise, if we are so offended by this specific sin more than other sins which equally lead to condemnation before God, we should check our hearts (1 Cor. 6:9-11, James 2:10). We should neither forfeit the truth of biblical behavior nor attempt to perform mere behavior modification. Allowing our choices to be guided by our love for others and desire to share the gospel can help us to make wise decisions for each situation.
We should be tactful about our communications with unbelievers and not be offensive for its own sake. Paul at the Areopagus is a great example of this (Acts 17:22-23). Paul is publicly responding to a people who worship many idols (Acts 17:16). Paul does not start with harsh condemnation. In fact, he gives them a compliment, saying “I perceive that in every way you are very religious” (Acts 17:22). He sees an opportunity to build a bridge to the gospel with this group of people by highlighting the “unknown god” to which they were worshipping (in addition to their other gods). Paul says that this unknown god has made Himself known and is the true creator God who is over all. Paul’s example can teach us an important truth about evangelism. It is helpful to build a common ground and show respect for people. If we begin by insulting people and discounting them, they will not be receptive to what we have to say. For those Christians who feel it morally problematic to address someone by misaligned pronouns, it may be wise to avoid using pronouns as much as possible. In this way we can avoid building walls and not alienate those whom we wish to share the good news with.
Christians should remember that the person’s misalignment with biblical gender identity is not the most pressing issue. It is that they are in need of Jesus. Just as being a cisgendered heterosexual person does not automatically send you to heaven, neither is struggling with gender dysphoria what condemns you. Christians should remember that transgender, non-binary, and other people who do not identify with their birth gender need to hear the gospel. That is what will ultimately change them rather than only trying to convince them they need to identify with their correct gender pronouns. This is not to say that we should not take sin seriously, but to help us remember that this sin is a symptom of a fractured relationship with God who is the one that can purify us of all unrighteousness (Eph. 2:3-4, 1 John 1:9).
Conclusion
The issue of whether to use someone’s preferred pronouns can be dependent on many variables, including whether they claim to be a Christian, how well we know the person, and the context of the situation. Christians may come to different conclusions regarding whether they should address someone by their preferred pronoun or not. However, all of our decisions should be reached through a balance of biblical love, boldness in the gospel, and wisdom in building relationships with others (1 Cor. 13:4-7, Mark 12:31, Acts 14:3, Col. 4:6).